"NO THANKS!"—Giving Candy

If ever there were a year to give up on going the extra mile and just get done what must be done, this one’s it. So, if you just don’t have the strength to assemble a big Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings, Brach’s has supplied the solution: Turkey Dinner Candy Corn in a bag. Set it out in a bowl for the family to eat and fix yourself a crantini. Or, if any family members launch into the annual political arguments, heave the whole bag at them and go watch TV in another room.

These are just two ideas, but whatever you do… don’t eat this stuff!!! I have taste tested it, and it’s hideous. For some mysterious reason, the bag I bought came with only two cranberry sauce candy corns…the only edible flavor in the set. You can kinda tolerate the sweet potato pie and the ginger glazed carrot if you don’t think too much about what you’re eating, but only a masochist would plunk down and feast on the green beans, roasted turkey, and stuffing. I only nibbled on them to find out what they were like, and I am now forever haunted by the experience.

Beyond the fact that this is inedible, I am baffled by the decision to sell this in a big bag. A small individual-size novelty box would have more than sufficed. Perhaps the thinking was that this would be great for alienating everyone at large family gatherings---but, wait---we’re not allowed to have large family gatherings this year. So, what to do with all this inedible candy? Maybe the solution is to hold on to it for naughty children next Halloween, or perhaps mail it as Valentine candy next year to someone who has done you wrong. I won’t say that the possibilities are endless, but the potential is there. Note to Brach’s: next year, please just pass the cranberry sauce.

To cleanse the memory of the Turkey Dinner Candy Corn from my mind, let me take a look back at some Thanksgiving candy from 2019. Thankfully, these turkeys didn’t taste like turkeys. Thank you for your good judgment, Trader Joe’s! Here, they put a creative spin on the traditional hollow chocolate turkey by weaving in a retro 1980s English new wave synth pop theme with their riff on the band A Flock of Seagulls. I would have enjoyed these more if the turkeys sported new wave hairstyles, but at least they were good to eat.

The only sad thing about these turkeys was that nobody bothered to trim all the ragged edges off their seams, and their uneven bases left them incapable of standing like any proud turkey would like to do. I didn’t see the Flock of Turkeys back in the stores this year. It appears that consumers gave these the bird.

Whatever you do, and whatever you do or don’t eat---have a happy holiday!